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In this week’s edition of man-o-meter, we shall be laughing at discussing the things men say. In public. Surrounded by actual people. And yet they still come out with these gems.

“What was Hitler’s surname?”
I’m going to give you 5 minutes to think about it, and listen to the cogs grinding together in your brain. If you’ve still not got it I’ll give you another 5 minutes. And if you finally work it out, I’ll give you another 5 minutes to ponder your substantial lack of brain cells.

“Boobs are the best bit of fat ever.”
And that is the most warped compliment ever, but thank you. Thank you ever so.

“You almost ran over that cat puppy thing!”
I think you’ll find the word that you’re searching for is kitten but I may be wrong. You human monkey thing.

“What would roll down a hill faster, an orange or an apple?”
I don’t know – why don’t you go and find out? Why not see how fast you roll down a hill. And make it a steep one.

“Can you get raw olives, or are they just grapes?”
I’m just going to nod sweetly and let you get on with it, because I just can’t work out how you’ve evolved into a human being.


You may remember that yesterday I was having trouble with my new flat. Today the problems worsened, and my landlord turned out to be the least of my worries. She got back to me this morning finally but dropped an absolute bombshell which was totally out of the blue, and made my blood actually boil.

“Unfortunately your keys can’t be picked up next week because Jonny hasn’t handed in all of his paperwork.”

Pardon me? Is this the same paperwork that I personally hounded him about, and told him how important it was? The same paperwork that he said he would hand in ASAP? In May? Yes, the exact same paperwork. This paperwork is the guarantor information i.e. if you don’t pay your rent, the person identified on this form pays. It’s a pretty important and crucial piece of paper. Not to some obviously. Would you like to know the best part of it?

When I contacted Jonny and asked him why the heck he hasn’t handed in his form, he informed me that his dad (the guarantor) had gone on holiday until 28th. But I’m picking up the keys on 1st July so he won’t have it in on time, I told him. This means that I also can’t read my utility meters and get on to the electricity and water companies to let them know we’re the new tenants. On top of that, after all of my ranting yesterday, I can’t even begin to get Sky sorted because without electricity or access to the flat I can’t do anything.

Oh, I haven’t finished yet – there’s more. While I was talking to Jonny he asked a simple question which, at any other time, would have a very simple answer. This question being, “When does the rent have to be paid by?” I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. What do you mean, when does it have to be paid by? It has to be paid by, oh, about 8 hours ago. So on top of all of the above, he hasn’t paid his rent which just adds to my ever increasing panic levels.

If I’ve learnt anything in these past few days it’s this… 1) Don’t hold out for a quick response from your landlord. 2) Make sure you can rely on your flatmate. 3) Don’t assume that just because you have held up your part of the bargain that everything will be OK.

I just don’t understand how I have to do all the stressing out. I’ve paid my rent. I handed in all of my forms a few days after we decided on that property i.e. February. I’m the one sorting out all of the bills. Yet I can’t pick up my keys for my room because of somebody else’s stupidity. Nobody ever told me how stressful this would be, unless I’m just having a really bad time!